THE OFFICIAL DOGGIE GLOSSARY

Canine Terms Translated for Humans

 

BATH: A cruel form of torture involving water that humans inexplicably think makes you "smell better." Resistance is futile but mandatory.

BED: 1. Any soft surface purchased for humans that dogs immediately claim as their own. 2. A mysteriously shrinking piece of furniture that starts with you having plenty of space and ends with the humans clinging to the edges.

BEGGAR EYES: The hypnotic stare perfected over thousands of years of evolution that makes humans unable to resist sharing their food.

BLANKET: A soft, warm covering that must be rearranged precisely 17 times before it's comfortable enough to lie on.

CAT: A strange creature that receives undeserved respect and should be chased at every opportunity.

CRATE: A personal apartment where you go to plot revenge for being put in a crate.

DINNER TIME: The most exciting five minutes of the day followed by the saddest moment when you realise the bowl is empty.

DOG PARK: Alton Towers for dogs. The place where you can forget all your training and pretend you've never heard your name before.

DOORBELL: An alarm system alerting you that either: a) a dangerous murderer, b) a friend you must jump on immediately, or c) the takeaway delivery person has arrived.

FENCE: A frustrating obstacle preventing you from befriending every single dog within an eight-kilometre radius.

FETCH: A game where humans throw something and then act surprised when you don't bring it back.

FORBIDDEN SNACK: Any item that humans dramatically grab from your mouth while yelling "What are you eating?!" Usually more delicious because it's forbidden.

GROOMER: A magician who somehow removes 70% of your body weight in fur and sends you home feeling naked and embarrassed.

LEAD: A restraining device that prevents you from investigating every interesting smell within a three-block radius.

POSTMAN: A recurring villain in your personal action film who must be scared away with aggressive barking at precisely the same time every day.

NAIL TRIM: A traumatic experience equal to the apocalypse.

PERSONAL SPACE: A concept that doesn't exist. If there is a 2.5-centimetre gap between you and your human, it must be closed immediately.

PUPPY EYES: Your most powerful weapon against human willpower. Deploy strategically when treats are at stake.

SQUIRREL: The ultimate nemesis. Fast, furry, and always just out of reach. Sighting one justifies losing all self-control.

TENNIS BALL: The most valuable object in the universe. Must be protected at all costs or completely destroyed—there is no in-between.

TREAT: A magical food item that makes you instantly remember all the commands you were pretending not to understand.

HOOVER: A loud, terrifying monster that eats your fur and toys when you're not looking.

VET: A building to be avoided at all costs. Can smell it from a mile away. Will suddenly develop limping when the car heads in that direction.

WALKIES: A sacred word that should never be uttered unless immediately followed by actually going for one. Failure to do so is a breach of the human-dog contract.

GARDEN: An outdoor bathroom with recreational features.

ZOOMIES: A sudden burst of manic energy that requires running at top speed in figure-eights throughout the house, preferably when humans have visitors.